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COMMUNICATING WITH RESPECT
Effective communication is a high level skill that can be developed.  Highly effective communicators are continually monitoring themselves, checking people’s reactions to them, and constantly improving.  Some of us are naturally effective communicators, and some of us need to work very hard at communicating well.  There is room for improvement in us all.

One of the corner stones of communication is the ability to communicate with respect.  In order to do this, we need to be very aware of the effect our communication is having on other people.  We also need to work at respecting ourselves.  If we do not respect ourselves, it is very difficult to respect others.

One of the more negative communication styles can be termed “demeaning”.   This style may look something like this: “How can you be so stupid?”   or “You’re making a big deal out of nothing”. This kind of communication may be delivered in an angry, loud voice, or in other ways, such as in a silky, smooth, quiet voice.

You will be able to recognise this demeaning kind of communication by the way you feel when you hear it.  You feel attacked and hurt and annoyed. It is difficult to think straight, and your own responses tend to be negative and unhelpful. You are in a defensive mode.

What often happens is that the responder adopts the same demeaning style as a reaction to their hurt.

The responder’s reaction is important because it helps to understand where this kind of demeaning communication is coming from.  If a person is feeling secure and stable and confident within themselves, they have no need to demean others.  People using the demeaning style are often pulling other people down in a misguided attempt to build themselves up.  This is very likely to be happening below the level of awareness.  They are often unaware that they are demeaning others, and, in the process, demeaning themselves.  It becomes a vicious cycle.

Some suggestions for communicating in a more respectful way are: 

• Ask yourself the question – does this need to be said at all?  What am I hoping to achieve by saying this?
• Be careful not to let things slide because you don’t want to hurt others or rock the boat.  In the longer term, you will cause more disharmony and hurt others more if you don’t say what you need to say, when you need to say it
• If you choose to say something, plan and prepare your criticisms carefully
  While planning, remember the positive aspects as well as the negative aspects (the “sandwich technique is often helpful here – positive, negative, positive)
• Keep the specific outcome that you want firmly in your mind to help keep the conversation on track
• Prepare your opening remarks. Brainstorm until you feel comfortable with the words you plan to use.
• Play the possible conversation in your head and prepare your response to various possible scenarios. Obviously, once you have lau nched your opening remarks, it is not possible to really know what will happen next.  However, prepare yourself with some of the possibilities.
• You do not know what the outcome of the conversation will be so you are taking a risk which involves courage.  You may not get your needs met.  Respect that.  Be flexible and resilient and make another plan.
• Don’t be apologetic.  You have a right and a responsibility to communicate your needs to others.  If you don’t tell them how are they supposed to know?  Don’t expect other people to read your mind. It is not fair.
• You may be met with defensiveness and anger. Be prepared for that and don’t say or do anything to escalate the anger. Walk away telling yourself that at least you had a good try and you will be more effective next time.
• However, if you expect a good outcome, then you have a better chance of getting one.
• The clearer and more specific you are about what you want to say, the easier it will be for your message to be received.
• Choose the right words - avoid emotionally laden words. Avoid “always” “never” These are over generalisations.
• Be specific –  focus on the specific issue at hand and avoid dragging in other issues that are not relevant to the issue at hand.
• Deal with each situation as it comes up.  Don’t let things accumulate. Deal with the present and don’t drag in the past.
• Listen to yourself -  evaluate the way in which you communicate and focus on improving.
• Tell them what you want - effective communication leaves its recipient knowing what is expected of them.  Constructive criticism has a “call to action”.
• Have realistic expectations – do not expect the worst and do not expect too much.
• Make it a two way process – listen more to others and you will feel more listened to yourself.
• Ask questions – check things out by asking and do not make assumptions.  When in doubt, check it out!
• Address behaviour and actions rather than the person. Bat the ball not the person!
  Choose the appropriate time and place – as far as possible.  Be aware of the pressures the respondent is under.
• Be especially careful when you are angry.  Try to deal with the anger first so that you can communicate more constructively.
• Be very aware of your non verbal communication – you may be expressing anger without being aware of it (if you feel angry you will convey that non verbally – it is better to acknowledge your anger by saying “I’m feeling angry, annoyed, irritated, resentful etc).
• If you get it wrong, it is always possible to backtrack. It is often possible to say “Hang on, I need to re-phrase that” or “Whoops! I had better start again.”
• Acknowledge that your criticism is subjective -  if you acknowledge that your criticism is only one way of seeing things, it is easier to give it in such a way that it is accepted. Your criticism is not a fact – it is your opinion based on what you know about the situation.
• Sometimes you can agree to disagree – become comfortable with the idea that others may not agree with you.  There may be many “right” ways of doing something.
• Be willing to take risks -  it often takes courage to say what we want to say.  As with any other risk taking activity, if we prepare and practice, we will become more skilled and better able to take the risks necessary to get a really difficult message across.
• When words don’t work, try something different - when something is not working, do something different. Invite feedback from others as to what might work better.
   

Start by asking yourself the following types of questions:

• What do I want to say?
• What do I want to achieve by saying this?
• How can I say this effectively?
• How can I say this better?
• How can I increase the chances that my message will be received well?
• Am I prepared for whatever the outcome may be?

What really matters is that you said what you needed to say, regardless of the outcome.

A useful formula to help you prepare your opening remarks is as follows.  Remember that this is just a beginning.  It needs to be worked at until it sounds natural and right for you.

You may be unaware of this…..

When you …….

I feel…..

I would prefer you to …..

Note the use of “I” statements.  Try to avoid speaking for other people.  You will be able to communicate much more assertively if you are speaking for yourself.  Present the way you feel as a fact.  No one can argue with this.  If you feel angry, then you feel angry, and that is an undisputable fact.

Keep practicing and good luck! Like any other skill, the more skilled you become, the easier it is to do. 

For more information on this subject, and to enter into a dialogue, go to  Library.